The Great Orange Hope

In 1995, the choked voice of celebrated naturalist David Attenborough announced the discovery of a rare European orangutan species on BBC Four. This triggered a new era in the popularization of Natural History in Europe and North America. Little did the teary eyed Attenborough know that this very rare orangutan would go on to endanger the very existence of humanity and the biosphere.

Originally from the hedges of medieval Northern Europe and previously thought extinct, this primate is closely related to the very orange and the very hairy borneo orangutan, pongo pygmaeus. The species disappeared in Europe, with its last remaining members annihilated in mid-twentieth century. "We would have lost the pongo trumpeus if it weren’t for our biblical hardliner Pilgrim Fathers”, said self-professed Bigfoot conversationist and tea party activist Joe Hatfield. Hatfield was alluding to the landing of the Enthusiastic Arc, an event hotly debated amongst historians. Appalachian folklore holds that in 1650, convinced that the world as coming to an end, a group of Brownists and Enthusiasts set sail from Middleburg, Netherlands with a pair of every captive animal species they could find. Some zoologists believe that “Donny”, the orangutan is a descendent of the only surviving feral animals brought by these pilgrims. It is a mystery as to how this individual would have found its way to New York City, Central Park where it was eventually discovered. Hatfield and other Bigfootists believe that this is also the Bigfoot of North American folklore.

In the 2008, a group of Silicon Valley executives started “ZooLogic” to save endangered species of the Global South. To raise money for the cause they decided to take Donny on a tour of the United States. Frantic audiences thronged to view the histrionics of this oranger than orange great ape. His raging mating calls featured in ring tones, ad jingles even film soundtracks. His insecure, lonely, scared cries haunted America for nearly a decade. He appeared in variety shows, talk shows, reality television. The endangered Donny engendered a boom in the dwindling circus economy and brought back the obsolete Victorian Freakshow.

During global economic crisis of the late 2000s, Wall Street was able to create millions of jobs by organising an industry around the freakshow. Psychologists theorised that the orangutan’s aggressive on-stage chest thumping and shrieking incited something primal in the American heart. It made them yearn for a glorious evolutionary past. Such has been Donny's popularity that it has we earned him a fortune. So much so that now, with that money, he is aiming at the highest seat of American power.

Since the advent of Hollywood the people of Washington D.C and NYC have been incessantly attacked by calamities -- oversized lizards, extra terrestrials and other monstrous beings that keep revisiting every year. All of these have had the potential to annihilate humanity but are ultimately saved by the collective spirit and strength of everyday Americans. To stop these recurring crises once and for all a group of maverick zoologists observed -- as depicted in the documentary King Kong 4 -- that introducing a species of great apes would fix this. He would fight these parasites, hopefully on film, and we shall live happily ever after.

This has turned out to be a mistake à la Operation Cat Drop leading to unintended consequences. The orangutan being an orangutan might not be the most responsible Commander in Chief of the most powerful armed force in the history of the Animal Kingdom. In one of his rallies. As Dr. Michael Atherton of the University of Greensbury observes, "Though conservation of pongo trumpeus might be good news for the endangered pongonids, introduction of this species into the White House might lead to the extinction of another species — homo sapiens."