Experts: Indian Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens

The Atomic Energy Regulatory Board, the key watchdog body, also issued a statement saying that as the Atomic Energy Commission had already spoken on this, they were more than satisfied with the safety of Indian reactors. As the current Chairman explained, "As I report to the Chairman of Atomic Energy Commission, I would be out of my mind to disagree with the Commission." 

The Atomic Energy Chairman stated: "With the advanced safeguards we have in place, the nuclear facilities in this country could never ever become a danger like those in Japan, unless our generators malfunctioned in an unexpected yet catastrophic manner, causing the fuel rods to melt down." He also said that the review ordered by the PM will fully confirm what he has already said. He pointed out that in no past case has any committee in Atomic Energy disagreed with its Chairman. He explained, "This may happen in less developed countries such as Japan, where coincidences such as an earthquake and a tsunami may happen together, but this would never happen in the safety-conscious culture of nuclear energy in India." "Here," he said, "people know the boss is always right, and they will not play with their safety by disagreeing with the boss. Not when it comes to public statements issued by the Chairman on such important matters."

He also explained that the PM wanted the nuclear energy program to go forward irrespective of the cost or safety of the plants. "The Department of Atomic Energy will always respect the PM's vision and do everything necessary to bring this to fruition, even if it sometimes violates the laws of physics. A Fukushima may be a problem for other cowardly countries, who may be reviewing their nuclear energy program and plant designs, but not us."

(Idea and some text borrowed from Onion, the satirical website)